The Pryor Times

August 7, 2013

The Porter Report

The shallow end of the draft pool

Chuck Porter
Sports Editor

PRYOR, OK — Football season is on everyone's mind, as it should be. Local high school teams are closing in on a month to go before kickoff, and college and pro teams will lace up their cleats even sooner.

With football season comes fantasy football season. If you've played in a fantasy league lately, you know how quickly the big names and top talents fly off the draft board. Sometimes, it's hard to Moneyball your way to a winning team, so here are a few off-kilter, dark horse picks to help you dominate your league.

Editor's note: Some of the following people do not actually exist.

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Quarterback: Uncle Rico, Napoleon Dynamite

Uncle Rico's draft stock has fallen since '82, when he could "throw a football over them mountains." However, Rico's commitment to perfecting his passing technique, his fantastic mustache and his underdog persona could signal a breakout season. Pick him up in the late fifth-early sixth round.

Running Back: Forrest Gump, Forrest Gump

Despite setting school records at Alabama under Bear Bryant, Gump shockingly went undrafted after his graduation, opting instead to join the military. Gump is a rare talent that just likes to run. Draft high.

Wide Receiver: LeBron James, Miami Heat

After a Nike commercial featuring James playing for the Browns and last summer's lockout-induced flag-football spree with Kevin Durant, there has been speculation that James could cross over and play in the NFL. Better to snag him with late-round pick if he happens to sign with the Dolphins than to be left crying over Percy Harvin's ACL.

Offensive Tackle: Louie Lastik, Remember the Titans

Lastik flourished under head coach Herman Boone and helped lead T.C. Williams High School to an undefeated season, and he even made it to college. He'll be a good backup if you're in a particularly tough league.

Defensive End: Jadeveon Clowney, South Carolina

Jadeveon Clowney may not be a pro yet, but he hits so hard that some of his tackles register on the Richter Scale. Aftershocks from Saturday Clowney-quakes in the Southeastern United States will severely affect Cam Newton, Josh Freeman, Matt Ryan and visiting quarterbacks the following Sunday.

Linebacker: Bobby Boucher Jr., The Waterboy

Boucher, an undersized kid out of South Central Louisiana State, blossomed under the direction of Coach Klein after a troubled recruitment period. He tackles well and has no problem with motivation and should be a key contributor to any defense.

Defensive Back: Travis Pastrana

He's attempted and excelled in every other sport in the world. He's due in the NFL any day now.

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Best of luck with these picks. You'll probably need it.