The Pryor Times

June 26, 2013

The Porter Report

Stealing is wrong

Chuck Porter
Sports Editor

PRYOR, OK — I'm still trying to wrap my mind about how stupid it is for people to commit robberies and try to steal other folks' identities, but I'll never, ever be able to comprehend the depth, width and breadth of the stupidity it takes to burglarize the home of Mr. Bob Stoops.

For those of you who don't know, Stoops is the head football coach at the University of Oklahoma and has been one of the state's most recognizable faces since 2000.

Here is a thorough, but not exhaustive, list of things that are at least incrementally smarter than stealing a credit card and car from Stoops, then attempting to use that credit card after the burglary had been reported to police and every news outlet in Oklahoma:

— Using a fork to eat soup

— Betting on the San Diego Padres to win the 2014 NBA title

— Lathering, rinsing and failing to repeat

— Taking a knee at the end of the first quarter

— Jumping out of a plane without a parachute

— Jumping out of a submarine with a parachute

— An acoustic version of AC/DC's classic album "Back in Black"

— Texting while drinking and driving

— Trying to pull over a police officer

— Using a preposition to end a sentence with

— Wearing regular glasses in a 3D movie

— Paying an extra five bucks to watch a 3D movie

— Drafting Jamarcus Russell with the No. 1 overall pick

— Sending the Olympic torch to space

— Playing soccer with a bowling ball

— Bringing your own squeeze cheese to a fine restaurant

— Keeping up with the Kardashians

— The TV show "Keeping Up with the Kardashians"

— Using baking soda as a baking powder substitute

— A two-out bunt with no baserunners

— Not spending precious minutes of company time making long lists of things

Now, we all make stupid mistakes. What's important is what we do with the knowledge we gain after we make them. These two guys who robbed Bob — they're probably not dumb guys. They just did something that happened to be really dumb.

But if you do something as dumb as steal from Bob Stoops, I would think you stand to learn quite a bit.