The Pryor Times

April 6, 2013

Extreme makeover, court edition

Staff Writer
Cydney Baron

— Recently, I was sitting in a court room and came up with the perfect new reality TV show; Extreme Makeover Courtroom Edition.

I was seated next to a man who was in love with Jessica (so said his neck tattoo). This man looked at me and smiled as if mocking the young man that sat down in front of us. I turned to look and saw a man in his pajamas which, unfortunately, was not the most unfortunate part of his appearance. His hair, once possibly light brown, was dyed in splotches of purple. The purple was both grown out and faded, dirty and slightly smelly. Alarmed, I looked around thinking it had to be some sort of joke. That's when I realized we were all packed into the court room like (odorous) sardines, and nearly everyone in the room was just as unfortunate looking as these two gentlemen.

You know there is a problem when the inmates are the most polished, well-groomed people in the room. Obviously, this is a far more relevant reality show than, say 'Splash' (the new one with celebrities diving into a swimming pool). People didn't seem to realize that  when your hair is so grown out that your roots are four inches long, it isn't “hombre.” It just looks like you are broke and got caught stealing dye from Wal-Mart and ended up in court.

I cringed as a woman stepped forward to speak to the judge wearing a camouflage T-shirt sporting the always classy, hickeys on her neck.

I shook my head at the caveman wearing a grunge metal T-shirt and jeans so dirty they could stand on their own.

By the time the woman in fuzzy pajama pants that were two sizes too small flopped her way up to the judge, I was ready to cry in disbelief.

Imagine if a team of experts came in and scrubbed, tweezed, Febreezed and re-dressed these people into some semblance of a respectable person. What a difference it could make, right?

OK, so the honorable judges probably don't make rulings based on how unfortunate the person may look. (Yet another reason I would make a terrible judge).  But it sure would make everyone's life a bit more pleasant. The team would come in with some clever catch phrase (like “from trashy to classy and  tacky to trendy”) and dramatically show before and after pictures.

With any luck these people, grateful to be getting help from the experts, would learn so much from their fashion mentors they will never become repeat offenders. They would never leave the house without their false teeth or proper undergarments. They would never wear leggings as pants. They would never think that rat tails and mullets are okay. They would never wear T-shirts adorned with cartoon characters, scrunchies, crocs, or spandex of any kind.

And the world would be a prettier place.