The Pryor Times

December 25, 2013

The Affordable Horse Care Act of 2013


PRYOR, OK — Just for laughs

The U.S. government has just passed a new law called: “The Affordable Horse Act” declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a horse, by April 2014.

These “affordable” horses will cost an average of $54,000-$155,000 each. This does not include taxes, trailering, training, feed and farrier fees, boarding, show and transportation fees, veterinarian bills or the occasional hospitalization. This law has been passed, because until now, typically only wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase horses.

This new laws ensures that every American can now have an “affordable” horse of their own, because everyone is “entitled” to a horse. If you purchase your horse before the end of the year, you will receive 4 “free” saddle pads; not including monthly usage fees.

In order to make sure everyone purchases an affordable horse, the costs of owning a horse will increase on average of 250-400 percent per year. This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don't want or can't afford to maintain.

But to be fair, people who can’t afford to maintain their horse will be regularly fined and children (under the age of 26) can ride their parents horse until they turn 27; then must purchase their own horse.

• If you already have a horse, you can keep yours (just kidding - no you can’t).

• If you don't want or don't need a horse, you are required to buy one anyhow.

• If you refuse to buy a horse or can’t afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one or face imprisonment.

Failure to ride your horse will also result in fines. People living in the inner-city; low-desert, or who live in cities or areas with no access to stables or arenas are not exempt.

Age, fear of falling, no equestrian experience, neither horsemanship skills, nor inability to ride are acceptable excuses for not using your horse. A government review board (that doesn't know the difference between the withers, fetlock or tail of a horse) will decide everything, including: when, where, how often and for what purposes you can use your horse … along with how many people can ride your horse and determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to ride their horse.

The government board will also decide if your horse has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories, (like a $5,000 saddle) or a newer and more expensive green Warmblood from Europe. Those that can afford Fancy Hunters will be required to do so...it’s only fair.

The government will also decide the name for each horse.

Failure to comply with these rules will result in fines and possible imprisonment. Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a horse, they and their families can obtain a horse for free, at the expense of tax payers.

Unions, bankers and mega companies with large political affiliations ($$$) are also exempt.

I was going to order a new horse today, but the website was down, I’m sure they will fix it, I will try again tomorrow.



Editor’s note: The origin of this piece is unknown. It is circulating on the Internet.